The Celeb Snitch

What happens when you take the boy out of South Carolina, but you can’t take South Carolina out of the boy?  Ask the real doll he’s with.  She’s a martini and bonbons type of woman if you know what I mean.

So have you ever watched one of those 90210 reruns to realize just how low quality TV they were? Come on, my Lovelies. We have The Wire, Dexter, Madmen, etc. Do you really need to vegetate in front of a TV spewing 90210? I take it back – I haven’t seen it yet, and Pony Boy of The Wire is in it. I do know Nylon Magazine trying to be hip and young, but just needing to take a shower. Just how desperate are people to be celebs? Our lives are so much more interesting.

No, really, we want to see your sunburned nipples.  There aren’t enough pictures of you out there.  Do not worship false idols no matter how much they tell you they should be worshiped.  When they start droppin’ names, they are lame.  Don’t believe the hype.  Don’t worry, be happy.  And don’t get caught in the tunes vortex like me.

Please tell the Devil it’s time for Pauly to go to Hell.  He keeps trying to hang with young ladies so he can eat their skin to keep him young and not funny.  Is that your son, Pauly?  I don’t think you care because you must eat the young skin.

So I was in the front of the line at one of her shows.  Yes, the VIP line but not because I’m somebody, but because I have to snitch on these people who think they are celebs.  She came up to the guy checking the list and ripped into him about how this was her show and he didn’t let her friend in because she wasn’t on the list.  Um.  You fucking idiot!  She wasn’t on the list, and everyone who’s got some game to sling says they know you.  How was he supposed to know?  Really?  Are you really so stupid?  Maybe it should be celeb stupid in 15 minutes or less.

Can you say lumberjack DJ?  We like his mixed tape for five minutes.  His nice goes a long way, but he has this crazy temper.  We’ve seen him screaming at his rapper friend who mentally masturbates all over the place until we fall asleep, but that’s another story.

Ladies he’s taken again, but we shall see how long, since he is such a sick dwinger.  We saw him lunching with an ex.  Hmm, looks like she might be finding him a wee bit boring.  Isn’t it all about sexual compatibility anyway, not about how you look at an art bore show?  Remember, ladies, when you throw yourself at him be sure to only call him MFG.  And he has a thing for blondes - I guess it is the Italian salami.

They had a 3some that night.  The P on his hat stands for Pirates of the Butt.  He was more into the other guy than her.  She was just bored.  They asked me to take pictures, but that was too gross.  I think this is caused by the pool water at Danceright on the rooftop, aka Swimming with Sex Water and Herpes.  Please just meet people through friends, not at these ickfests.  Go have fun in a pool that isn’t filled with dirty hipsters.

This is serious folks.  You didn’t hear it from me, but this man stalked my friend on myspace.  He would check her page about once an hour.  Ok, so I’m seriously embarrassed that I have a friend who checks who stalks her on myspace on a daily basis, and won’t reveal what software allows her to do it for fear that she will be caught stalking herself or they will block the software.  Um, she’s an ex-addict so I guess this is a better hobby?  Oh yeah, and he’s a super sweet stalker.  We like him.  It’s ok, he’s a stalker even when he has a girlfriend.  Nice makes up for everything.

This is what happens when stuffed animals vomit on you because you were once enamored with club kids so you snuggled up with a old hipster designer who only knows neon and met this awesome child-lover cobraskank who said Mickey Mouse is “in”.  Or maybe this is just an old Jerry’s kids telethon clip.  So meanie me!